Waited For Love To Pass Me By
by MissKitieFantastico
Summary: Post-WitW. The group needs to find a resolution to the turmoil the night at the ballet caused. *C/A Ending* (Finished?)
1. Waited For Love To Pass Me By

Title: Waited For Love To Pass Me By  
  
Rating: PG for angsty-angst  
  
Author: MissKitieFantastico  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own diddly-squat so go away and don't rub it in.  
  
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just let me know where so I can brag that someone likes me.  
  
Feedback: I'm a feedback slut… Don't make me beg.  
  
*Spoilers*: Vague 'Birthday' and 'Waiting In The Wings'  
  
Timeline: Set after Angel goes up to his room after the end of the episode.  
  
Summary: Angel reflects on Cordy after he tried to tell her how he felt.  
  
Author's Note: I was in a mondo depressed angsty mood after watching the ep. tonight and this is what you get on no sleep and bad juju.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter One  
  
Waited For Love To Pass Me By  
  
  
  
Angel paced in his room, quietly trying to let off steam without waking Connor. He ripped his tie off his collar and threw the jacket on the bed. His jaw clenched and released in anger over what had just happened to him downstairs.  
  
Timing.  
  
That's what it came down to, and no one had it worse than he did.  
  
He was in the middle of spilling his guts to Cordelia, or more accurately trying to stumble through them with incoherent wording, when who appears out of nowhere?  
  
That damn Groosalugg.  
  
Hadn't they left him in Pylea, or more to the point, hadn't they left him in Pylea where he was supposed to stay?  
  
But no, he had to show up all lost little puppy with no home and big-blue- eyed… Angel decided right there that something was wrong with him, no one had iris's that big and, well…blue.  
  
Finally after what seemed to be an eternity of internal ranting, one might externally perceive it as brooding, Angel sighed with resignation. This was it for him. The end of the line, there was no way he could compete with Groo. Cordelia loved him, and Angel had wasted too much time… Sure with the guy in a different dimension he had a shot, but now…  
  
Angel looked up from the floor to his nightstand. Tentatively he walked toward it and opened the drawer.  
  
There it was.  
  
He took the small silver box out of its hiding place and twirled it in his hands.  
  
It was her birthday present.  
  
He still hadn't given it to her. He wanted to wait for the right moment, but once again it was another failure. Once again he had waited too long. Angel felt his insides twist as he thought about the night he bought it. There it was, on the velvet bust in the shop window. Just begging him to buy it because she was worth it, and he loved her, and she deserved it. Something inside of Angel just knew that if he bought this for her it would make everything ok.  
  
That present was supposed to be how he told her that he loved her.  
  
And everything would be ok.  
  
But now nothing was ok. Now his world had somehow dissolved without his permission and his heart had been taken with it.  
  
He exhaled a strained breath before resigning himself to the edge of his bed and opened the box.  
  
There it was.  
  
The locket.  
  
With a shaky hand, Angel removed it from its bedding of white silk and gently rubbed his thumb over the gold heart. The locket gleamed in the light from the bedside lamp, and Angel searched for his reflection in the brilliantly polished gold, but to no avail.  
  
He had no reflection, because he wasn't a man… He wasn't a man like she always treated him, but a vampire. How had he grown to loathe that word… Because of her, because when he was with her that's exactly how she made him feel—Like a man not a fanged *thing*. Somehow reality had finally found him and he was forced to come to terms with something he had long since forgotten. He was a demon, and she was a beautiful woman and nothing he could imagine would take that away.  
  
His hands were trembling as he tried to open the locket to look at the picture of Connor he put in it for her. He had almost decided against it before, but he put the picture in there anyway. Angel would never admit it to anyone, sometimes not even himself, but… sometimes he would see Cordy with Connor and forget that she wasn't his mother. He chastised himself for it every time he thought that, because Darla was his mother, and she had given him her life… But he couldn't help it.  
  
Angel clamped his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry, as he closed the locket. He finally opened his eyes again to give the locket a good look. He tried to memorize its shape and the intricate carvings etched into the face.  
  
He gently placed it back into the box and replaced the lid.  
  
Angel took a deep breath before standing, and for just a moment, he hesitated, turning the small box over in his still shaky hands. He shut his eyes again as a silent sob threatened to escape his throat and the hot salty tears threatened to flow.  
  
He slowly extended his arm in front of him, everything seeming to move in slow motion, as he let the box drop into the trashcan. 


	2. Thoughts From A Broken Heart

Chapter Two  
  
Thoughts From A Broken Heart  
  
The most embarrassing and heart-wrenching moment of my life occurred earlier this evening. And so, here I sit—alone—at my desk, just wondering where I went wrong. I'm a former Watcher, so one would assume that I would have at least seen it coming. But of course not. I had my head too firmly planted up my arse to see it, bright as day though it was.  
  
I sigh and look down at my hands that have been trembling non-stop since stumbling upon Gunn and Fred being intimate with one another at the ballet. I do believe that my heart has actually broken into pieces after that sight. I just never expected Gunn to do such a thing…  
  
But really, what did he do?  
  
He followed his heart and didn't hesitate when he saw what he wanted. And I do believe that all I have ever done in my life is hesitate. Never the bloke with the speedy plan in the face of danger. Always the blundering ponce that freezes just long enough to get himself killed. Maybe my father was right about me. Maybe I am doomed to failure here, but I've nothing to go back to England for.  
  
So here I stay, looking out into the lobby at the love whom I should have claimed long ago, and the man who isn't me, sitting at her side.  
  
I want to do something at this very moment, be it cry or shout out the unfairness of the ridiculous situation, or resort to violence with the man I had come to endear as my friend. My eyes grow blurry just staring at them talking on the couch like lovebirds, completely oblivious to the world around them.  
  
And then there's the other newly happy couple of Cordelia and Groosalugg who have chosen to make their conversation, in between lengthy kisses, on the staircase.  
  
At one time I hadn't believed Cordelia. That we were meant to be alone, but I believe it now. Relationships for us do not lead to dreamy conversations on a cottage porch over afternoon tea and scones. Relationships lead to pain and regret and for some of us, even death.  
  
Even just thinking of love's pains I sadden a little bit more, and I can feel my frown unintentionally slip lower and lower until I feel as if it will slip right off my chin. I do not know how long I have been sitting at my desk alone, but no one seems to notice. They never do, and I partly do not blame them. I know this is not the time to chastise myself, but at the same time it is. I now have a reason to 'brood' and I bloody well am going to take advantage of it.  
  
Which takes me to my next worry.  
  
Angel.  
  
I cannot begin to fathom what he is feeling at this moment… Actually I very well can fully understand exactly how he feels at this moment. We have both seen the women we love, flock to someone that is not us.  
  
I noticed Lorne talking to Angel earlier, but I know Angel hadn't heard a word of it. He was too busy having his heart ripped out of his body and thrown to the floor to understand the 'why's' and 'how's' of the situation.  
  
Immediately he had retreated to his room, one would assume rather insightfully, to brood about Cordelia. That poor girl didn't have the faintest clue how he felt for her. Do not get me wrong, I love Cordelia as if she were family, but she is rather dim-witted when it comes to matters of the heart.  
  
I sigh once again, as I have probably done quite a few thousand times since I've been sitting at my desk, and decide to make a trip upstairs to check on Angel.  
  
I stand quietly, and manage to make my way past Fred and Gunn without attempting to behead Charles, and slip by Cordelia unnoticed. As usual.  
  
I make my way to Angel's room, not having the faintest clue what I shall say. But, Lord knows we really do not need him retreating back into himself as he did last year. I just hope he's not in a fighting mood, because I for one, know I am not in the mood to be a sodding punching bag.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I think my bad attitude juju over 'Waiting In The Wings' has spawned into more than a one-part rant… I think the plot bunnies are coming to take me away – HAHA HEHE HOHO… To the funny farm where life is wonderful… Let me know what you think, remember I'm a feedback slut! That right you heard me, so give it to me big boy! :) 


	3. Broken Hearts Club

~~First NOTE~~  
  
All disclaimers: See Chapter One  
  
**IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO SPOILERS, I SUGGEST NOT READING THIS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU  
  
HAVEN'T SEEN `WAITING IN THE WINGS' YET**  
  
Summary: Angel reflects on Cordy, Wes thinks of Fred... Broken hearts connect.  
  
PAIRING: uh whatever. Like I'd tell you my final pairing... Hell I don't even know yet, and it kinda ruins it, but mostly angsty C/A and W/F/G to follow AtS canon.  
  
******************************  
  
Ok, normally I don't respond to my reviewers individually, but this story caused me lotsa grief and bad juju, damnit. So...  
  
MIRA: Here is what you asked for! Hope you likes.  
  
EMILY: Thanks for the kudos, and there will be more locket, I promise... I just don't know what yet.  
  
BARQUALOUNGER: Thanks for the feedback on Wesley. I've never really done much with him, so I'm glad that my characterizations are pretty good.  
  
MELOHDRAMATIC: Closure you shall have in one way or another. And I love your story `journey'... sorry had to throw that in there.  
  
JENNANDJUICE: I'm glad you enjoyed my off-kilter humor, and yes you can use it in your fics. :)  
  
Ok, so one major round of thank you's to everyone in general, `cause you know... what can I say, I'm a sap! And now I shall continue with my angsty-angst story.  
  
******************************************************  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Broken Hearts Club  
  
Wesley paused at the door, hand poised to knock on the dark wood. Downstairs he had been so eager to get away from the nauseating love-fest that he hadn't exactly thought about what he would say to Angel.  
  
`Sorry chap, but it's for the best'? Or maybe `I know how you feel, would you like me to "stake" away the pain'? He grimaced at his own thoughts, and the cruelty of which they had been said in his mind. All this pain and anger was because of Fred. He wondered how one woman could have such an affect on a man, and how he could let her have such control.  
  
His mind raced back to the events from earlier this evening, when he had unintentionally stumbled upon them. Sitting on the ground backstage in each others arms, he watched from afar as his love made her love known to someone else, and his heart sank and grief overtook him. He didn't know how or why he had found the strength to get them out of that time fold, because everything after being possessed became a blur of motions and distorted shoutings. Everything seemed to swirl all around him and it had made him nauseous. The car ride on the way back to the hotel wasn't much more pleasant. It had been long and humiliating for Wesley. Angel and Cordelia were in the front, being disturbingly awkward towards each other, and Fred was sandwiched between the two men. One of them was pining for her affections at that time, the other tried in vain to make himself sink into the leather upholstery of the convertible without much luck.  
  
After the initial shock of seeing the Groosalugg in their hotel, Wesley had retired himself to his office to "work" but found that he could do nothing except think of Fred. He felt so alone watching the four in the lobby, like an outsider.  
  
Realization finally dawned on the Englishman as to why he was here, standing in front of Angel's suite. He didn't want to be alone. He was a grown man, but at this particular junction he couldn't stand to be alone another second.  
  
He finally mustered enough strength to knock quietly on the door. He waited only a few seconds before trying the doorknob to find that it turned. He slowly stuck his head in the room and called quietly for Angel.  
  
"Angel? Are you in here?" Wesley's eyes found the dark-haired vampire standing beside his bed, his back to Wesley, looking down at something. His feet? The floor? Wesley couldn't see what held Angel's gaze because his back was to him. Cautiously he opened the door further and stepped into the room. Angel didn't even acknowledge that he was there, just kept looking at whatever has at his feet.  
  
Slowly, Wesley closed the door, and moved through the sitting room and into his bedroom. "Angel?" Wesley's voice had barely made it above a whisper, but he knew the vampire had heard him.  
  
Like everything in the room was moving in slow motion, Angel turned his head over his shoulder to look at the former Watcher. Wesley could see him visibly inhale a deep breath and let it out painstakingly slow, like it required all his strength just to manage that simple yet unneeded act.  
  
"Hey, Wes." A quiet greeting was all he could manage to croak out of his aching throat. Finally, Angel managed to lift his feet from the carpet, which felt like quicksand to his body, and resignedly dropped himself onto his bed. He dropped his head into his waiting hands and rubbed at his burning eyes.  
  
Wesley didn't know what to say or do to help the solemn vampire; that was usually where Cordelia would step in. But now, she was the object of his brooding and Wesley was at a complete loss. He cleared his throat, forgetting about his own pain and focused on the shell of a man that sat before him.  
  
"Would you like to talk?" Wes moved forward, closing the gap between himself and Angel, but stopped a few feet from the edge of the bed. He hoped Angel would say yes, or at least say nothing at all, instead of telling him to leave him be.  
  
After what seemed like hours, Angel finally shook his head, and Wesley's eyes dropped to the floor. He sighed sadly before speaking, "Ok. I'll leave you then." and turned to go.  
  
"Wait. You don't have to leave." Angel looked at Wesley, and nodded at the chair in front of him.  
  
Without another word, Wesley quietly obliged and slumped into the soft upholstery of the chair, and removed his glasses from his face, setting them on his thigh. Slowly he rubbed the bridge of his nose, getting little comfort from the usually relaxing ministrations. "Well, tonight certainly was... something..." Wesley looked to Angel, not expecting a reaction from him and was shocked to see him open his mouth to speak.  
  
Angel slowly closed his mouth, then opened it again, trying to find the words. Trying to find something to break through the heavy silence. "I..." Angel looked as though he would burst into tears at any moment. Instead he sighed, trying to calm his shaky voice. "I lost her... I never had her to begin with, but now it's too late. I waited too long." That was the first time Angel spoke of his feelings willingly for Cordelia, and Wesley remained silent to let him finish his thoughts.  
  
Another lengthy pause enveloped the room before Angel continued.  
  
"Tonight I wanted to tell her so badly. She was just so beautiful and we almost... I just thought we had a chance tonight... I was trying to tell her, but the words just wouldn't come out right... Why couldn't I just say it?" Angel jumped off the bed, growling his question. Wesley knew it was one he couldn't answer so he remained silent.  
  
Angel's sadness was swept away into anger and he paced furiously at the end of his bed yet again. Except this time it wasn't anger towards Groo or anyone else but himself.  
  
Angel stopped abruptly and looked to the man still sitting quietly in the chair, unmoving. His features immediately softened as he realized the pained and tired look on the Englishman's face for the first time.  
  
"I'm sorry, Wes. There's something wrong isn't there?" Angel sat back down on the bed in front of him trying to forget about his own pain, and concentrate on whatever it was that obviously bothered Wesley enough to bring him up here.  
  
Wesley lowered his head and if it was at all possible, his face seemed to slacken even more, and his frown deepened.  
  
"I, like you, waited too long. Now she is gone as well." Wesley looked back up at Angel, who's jaw would have dropped to the floor had this been a slapstick cartoon.  
  
"I- I didn't know, Wes. I'm sorry. I was just going on and- what happened?" Angel stumbled through his words, genuinely confused. He had been too involved with Cordelia tonight to notice anything or anyone else.  
  
Wesley filled in the details of the night's events that occurred while Angel and Cordelia were missing in action. He occasionally stopped to take a calming breath, or to regain his composure while replaying the night's horrors in his mind, scene by bloody horrific scene.  
  
Angel didn't just see the pain in his face, nor just hear the agony in his voice, but he felt it in the room. It surrounded them and it was in the heavy air they breathed wearily, squeezing the life out of them. Slowly suffocating. Both men just sat facing each other lost in individual thought, but coming to a quiet understanding with each other in their pains.  
  
Wondering how one night could change so many things.  
  
Between himself and Wesley they were a regular Broken Hearts Club.  
  
`Now accepting new members. Join Today...'  
  
*********************************  
  
Don't worry, I don't think this is the end so *don't worry* Emily and Jenn! I wouldn't leave you hanging like that. Let me know what you all think. Toodles mi amigos.  
  
-Kat!  
  
~~One last thing, I want you to tell me if I should go more drama or shoot for fluffy. It's 50/50 in my brain so I need you guys to tip the scales :) ~~~ 


	4. Afterthought

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews... Gee, I feel so special! *sniffles* =) All of your feedback really helped. I still don't know exactly where I'm taking it, so I hope this is good.  
  
A/N2: I've never incorporated songs into my fics before, but I was on a Portishead binge tonight, and these two songs just seemed to fit perfectly, and they're my two fave's so I couldn't resist.  
  
*Song's are defined by :::::::::::::::::::::::: at top and bottom.*  
  
The first song is titled "All Mine"--I thought this fit a LOT of the characters, it should be obvious...  
  
The second song is titled "Undenied" - This is such an Angel song, I thought it fit his feelings perfectly.  
  
*If you ever have the urge to go out and buy their CD, both songs are off their self-titled album "Portishead"*  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Joss & Co. own all Angel-related stuff, and the members of the God-like band Portishead own all their own lyrics. I'm so pathetic I have to get my jollies off using other people's stuff, but just wait, one day I will take over the world. =)  
  
Last Note: All flashbacks are defined by =+=+=+=+=+ at top and bottom. Bear with me, `cause I can't do italics or bold or anything fancy. What a pain in my arse. =(  
  
**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**  
  
Waited For Love To Pass Me By  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Afterthought  
  
AKA: The Day After  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
all the stars may shine bright  
  
all the clouds may be white  
  
but when you smile  
  
oh, how I feel so good  
  
that I can hardly wait  
  
to hold you  
  
enfold you  
  
never enough  
  
render your heart to me  
  
all mine  
  
you have to be  
  
from that cloud, number nine  
  
danger starts the sharp incline  
  
and such sad regrets  
  
oh, as those starry skies  
  
as they swiftly fall  
  
make no mistake  
  
you shan't escape  
  
tethered and tied  
  
there's nowhere to hide from me  
  
all mine  
  
you have to be  
  
so don't resist  
  
we shall exist  
  
until the day  
  
until the day I die  
  
all mine  
  
you have to be.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
The hotel remained unearthly quiet for most of the day. Cordelia never thought much about slow days, but it wasn't just the lack of business today. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something seemed wrong. Yesterday everyone was so full of life, but today everyone was preoccupied. Either with themselves, or with someone else. Fred and Gunn were a good example. Cordelia thought for sure it was in the bag for Wesley, but what a turn of events.  
  
Cordelia felt a soft hand touch her arm and she immediately thought it was Angel. She had been wanting to talk to him again but he made his presence sparse today for some reason. She turned her head to see Groo looking at her with loving eyes, and for a fraction of a second, her dreamy smile faltered.  
  
"Princess?"  
  
"Yes, Groo?" Her faltered smile was quickly replaced with a new, brighter one as she looked at Groo, smiling at her.  
  
"Are you ok? You looked to be elsewhere."  
  
"Oh no, sweetie. I'm great!" Cordelia beamed at him with genuine enthusiasm, but there was still something that bothered her. She remembered what Skip had said to her on her birthday. She felt as if she left the oven on, or needed to call someone back, but couldn't remember who. She quickly lost her train of thought as she heard Connor start to cry in her arms. She looked down at him, cooing gently and rocking him back and forth.  
  
"I'll put him down, he's probably tired." Angel came out of nowhere into the lobby and reached for his crying son.  
  
Cordelia gently pulled back and turned toward the stairs. "Don't worry, Angel. I can get him." Cordelia once again turned her attention to the baby, whose cries had softened, and had turned into post-fit hiccups and yawns. "Auntie Cordy can take you up to go ny-ny's huh Connor? That's right she can!"  
  
Cordelia disappeared upstairs and Angel took one look at Groo before spinning on his heel and returning to wherever he had come from.  
  
*****************************************  
  
Cordelia laid Connor down on Angel's bed, and began to take off his jacket when that nagging feeling returned to her. She still couldn't put a finger on what it was, but now thoughts of last night started to plague her for the first time.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice?"  
  
"Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not stupid."  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
Connor looked up at Cordelia with dark brown eyes. Just like his father. Cordelia smiled for no reason at the thought, and picked up his jacket to set it on the chair by Angel's bed. Something in the trash caught Cordelia's attention as the light from the lamp shined onto it. She dropped the jacket on the chair and reached into the wastebasket and picked up the small box.  
  
Connor whined at her, catching her attention, so she shrugged and set the small box on the nightstand. Forgetting all about the tingly-nagging feeling she had, she turned back to Connor and lifted him up in her arms before setting him back on the pillows, and she climbed onto the bed next to him. She gently cooed at him again, thinking of how different she is now. Even just two years ago, Cordelia would have scoffed at anyone who told her she'd find ultimate happiness laying with, and gently talking to, a baby. She used to hate babies, but somehow Connor just affected her, and she almost wished he could be hers. She even loved him and treated him like he *was* hers, but she always knew she'd be a poor substitute for the real thing. Even if that real thing was an evil 400 year-old vampire.  
  
Cordelia rubbed Connor's tummy and watched his eyelids slowly drooping and popping back open, struggling to stay awake and look at her. Finally, Connor succumbed to sleep, his eyelids sliding down until they closed and didn't open again. Cordelia just watched him, a lazy smile spreading across her lips before she followed in Connor's footsteps. Slowly her eyes drifted closed, and she slept there with Connor, her arm protectively hugging him against her chest.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"Angel?... I want you... To undress me..."  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
The memories of her and Angel in the dressing room played over and over in Cordelia's dreams, and she sighed contentedly.  
  
Angel watched Cordelia with Connor from the doorway. He sighed as he tried to burn the image into his brain of her with his baby boy, her arm protectively yet softly draped over Connor. Trying to shield him from the outside world. He always thought she looked so perfect when she was with him, but he knew it wouldn't last long now. Soon she'd have to forget about him and Connor and have her own life, and his Cordy would leave. He leaned against the heavy wooden frame, playing the events of yesterday over in his mind. He'd been thinking about it all day, and had dreamt about it all last night.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"You're a man of many limitations, Angel... But you're a man."  
  
"What have I got to offer her?"  
  
"Do I even have to answer that?"  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
Cordelia stirred lazily in her sleep, still dreaming, still feeling that nagging sensation that would not let its grip on her be compromised.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"... and then we have to find a dress for you... something that will make Angel crazy."  
  
"Fred, sweetie, Angel *is* crazy."  
  
"I know he's gonna want to look his best for you..."  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
Slowly, Cordelia stirred and laid herself flat on her back. She rubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the dreamy haze that distorted her vision. She looked back at Connor, still happily dreaming away next to her. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep, so she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, looking at the clock on the nightstand.  
  
The silver box once again caught her attention, and once again she felt that tingling at the base of her neck. She shivered slightly, and reached out for the box. She slowly took it in her hands, contemplating whether to open it. Something deep inside her said she remembered this box from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. Still staring at the box, Cordelia scowled. She hated this déjà vu feeling she seemed to be plagued with all day, and truth be told, it was starting to freak her out.  
  
With a heavily dramatic sigh, she succumbed to her curiosity and lifted the top off the box. For a few seconds, she stared at its contents, not sure what to make of it. Finally, she removed the small gold locket from its bedding and held it up to the light. Reflections off the polished finish bounced off Cordelia's face as she stared at what was obviously a gift for someone. She set the box on the bed, and took the heart-shaped locket into her hands. Slowly, she ran hers finger across the swirled engravings on the front, and turned it over in her small hands. She almost gasped when she saw the back.  
  
Inscribed with swirled lettering was the phrase, "To Cordy, With Love"  
  
It was for her.  
  
It was from Angel, for her.  
  
And it was in the garbage.  
  
Confusion swept across Cordelia's face as she stared at the tiny inscription.  
  
Why had he thrown it away? It was beautiful.  
  
She finally opened the locket to see if there was anything inside, and she let out a small sob as she stared at a tiny picture of Connor, shortly after he was born. Small tears began to seep out of her eyes and run down her cheeks as she continued to stare at the most beautiful thing in the world. She couldn't believe it had ended up in the garbage, maybe it was a mistake. Angel had to know that she would have loved this gift.  
  
"To Cordy, With Love"  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"... hey, it's awkward but it's not us... as long as nothing is removed or--inserted... it's all forgotten."  
  
"But it *is* us, Cordelia... it's you and me... kissing you, it's... it's not something I can just..."  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
The tingling at the base of Cordelia's neck spread through her entire body, and she hummed with energy and feelings that she didn't understand.  
  
She didn't understand any of this.  
  
She stared at the locket in her hands, focusing again on the inscriptions, "With Love"... It raced around and around in her mind but for some reason, she couldn't reach out and grab it. It just kept spinning and making her dizzy.  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
"What?! Was it like--*disgusting*?!"  
  
"I would, I would just want... if we were to... I-I would just want it to be... new... start at the beginning."  
  
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
Angel watched Cordelia from his spot in the doorway.  
  
He didn't know what to feel, or say, or do.  
  
Should he walk away? Should he go to her and tell her everything? Should he go to her, but say nothing?  
  
He stayed. Unmoving, he watched her curiosity at the small box, turn to confusion as she opened it, to joy when she looked at the back. He watched her tears and her slowly fading smile. Then he saw the hurt on her face.  
  
Angel's eyesight started to blur with the tears that threatened to flow, as he saw Cordelia look up from the locket for the first time in what seemed an eternity. As if she sensed him, her hazel eyes immediately found Angel, and her gaze quickly focused on his pained brown eyes.  
  
"...Angel...?"  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
your softly spoken words  
  
release my whole desire  
  
undenied  
  
totally  
  
and so bare is my heart  
  
I can't hide  
  
and so where does my heart  
  
belong  
  
beneath your tender touch  
  
my senses can't divide  
  
oh so strong  
  
my desire  
  
for so bare is my heart  
  
I can't hide  
  
and so where does my heart  
  
belong  
  
now that I've found you  
  
and seen behind those eyes  
  
how can I  
  
carry on  
  
for so bare is my heart  
  
I can't hide  
  
and so where does my heart  
  
belong  
  
belong, belong, belong  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
A new wave of tears flowed down her flushed cheeks, and finally Angel's own unshed tears managed to break free.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Even I had to sob... is this sad? I didn't realize I made it so... dramatic... geez, I need therapy.  
  
Let me know what you think. =) 


	5. A New Kind Of Love

A/N: Sorry for the update delay, but I sorta lost my creative steam for this fic.  
  
This particular piece was actually supposed to be a stand-alone piece of FLUFF but I changed it to fit this storyline. Remind me never to do that again. Changing this to fit my story took me 4!!! hours to get it right. I'm still not quite sure how it flows because my eyes got all blurry, so let me know.  
  
If anyone would like to read the original in all its fluffy goodness, I'd be happy to send it to you. Just leave me you're e-mail addy.  
  
Maybe I'll even post it by itself at fanfiction.net someday  
  
Enjoy! -KAT! ^o^  
  
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Chapter Five  
  
A New Kind Of Love  
  
*Two Days Before The Ballet*  
  
Cordelia stood solidly in a fighter's stance, her arms in front of her. She slowly turned her hands, so her palms faced away from her and exhaled while she pushed her arms away from her body. She could feel the invisible energy she was expelling with her hands, and with arms completely outstretched before her, she closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths and felt the silence and tranquility that consumed her being. She could feel her bare feet becoming part of the floor, rooted to it like an old oak tree is rooted to the soil below, of which it gives shade.  
  
These were the only times she felt at peace. When nothing else mattered except her energy and every slow movement came to her with natural grace and fluid timing. She couldn't feel the weight of her body, or the black tank top and running pants that she occupied, because her body became a part of the air that she rhythmically inhaled and exhaled. That was when she felt most at home within herself--when she actually left her body and her mind cleared itself of all thought and outside influence.  
  
Angel leaned up against the doorframe careful not to disturb her, and a small smile crept its way to his normally stoic mouth. He never knew she practiced Tai Chi, let alone knew how much more graceful and beautiful she could make those movements than they already were. She looked completely relaxed and calmed at the end of her set, and he felt like he was intruding on the most private of moments. He gazed around the now furnished room she had made up for herself before returning his eyes to her body. He didn't know when he actually started to notice how beautiful she was, but in that moment he couldn't think of anything more perfect than the dark-haired beauty that stood before him. Every time he saw her, Angel had to fight to keep his mind out of the gutter.  
  
He only knew of one other person that had that effect on him. He still loved her with every fiber of his being, but the distance between them now seemed to make the pain fade away. He no longer yearned for her as he once did, no longer fell to pieces any time someone spoke her name... and he actually felt more guilty about that lack of sadness than the lack of her. Angel knew he didn't love her any less, but every day was easier than the one before it, and he knew she was tough and would take care of herself. That was usually what got him through the day if he started to worry about her. That she was tough, tougher even than him. And Cordelia was just as tough as Buffy, if not more so. Buffy didn't have a choice about her life because it was her destiny, her duty. Cordelia on the other hand left Sunnydale with the prospect of inevitable stardom, but soon found herself back in the same Sunnydale drama, different city. She had so many chances to leave Angel that he'd actually  
stopped counting at around 107, but she stayed. Now with the visions, which she had the chance to get rid of -- make that 108 chances -- she found herself to be bound to him. Willingly.  
  
So here Angel stood in the doorway to her hotel room, staring at the beautiful Seer -- HIS beautiful Seer-- that bound herself permanently to him. Giving up damn near everything she wanted from this city to stay with him and help fight his battles. His eyes seemed to ignite as he marveled at her strength and passion and devotion to him... and found himself to be completely, hopelessly in love. Again.  
  
Cordelia slowly opened her eyes, and lowered her arms to her sides. Her whole body felt relaxed and hummed with energy at the same time. At the end of her daily routine, it made her feel better to keep all her movements slow and graceful until the body high wore off on its own. It seemed to make the peace last longer, which is what she always strove for. She straightened herself and out of the corner of her eye, she saw a shape standing in the doorway so she turned her head to see what it was.  
  
"Didn't want to bother you, but the door was open." Angel quietly explained his presence and looked down at the floor.  
  
"Just finished. Come in." Cordelia smiled contentedly at Angel before moving to her bed, and blotted at her forehead with the towel on the nightstand. "So, what's up?" She sat and gestured for him to join her with a pat on the burgundy colored silk comforter.  
  
Angel found the strength to propel himself away from his perch in the doorway, and sat next to Cordelia on the bed. He didn't know why, but when he sat he could feel the energy from her slowly consume him. It made his skin tingle and gave him an odd feeling of peace as if he himself had just finished his own daily set. He couldn't help but smile inwardly at the effect she always had on him, and the connection they undoubtedly seemed to share.  
  
"Oh, nothing much. Just wanted to see what you were up to."  
  
"Yeah, right. Anytime you're around it's either big danger or big drama." Cordelia threw him a half serious glance before seeing the--almost happy?--look on his face, and she smiled. "Or by the look of it, you're trying to throw me for a loop and it's neither."  
  
"You got me. I decided since the world didn't end today and we didn't die, that I'd hang up my brooding hat and just come annoy you instead."  
  
"Pfft. You could never annoy me... Well that's a lie, but you're not annoying me now, so we're all kinds of good. Please continue with your non-broodiness."  
  
"Gee, thanks... I just came up to see what you were doing tonight. Since we're lacking in the blood guts and gore, maybe we could take in a movie as a consolation prize?" Angel glanced shyly at the carpet under his feet, and almost mumbled the last half of his question like a 3^rd grader asking popular Betty Lou, the girl with the cute curly blonde hair in ribboned pigtails, to hold hands with him in the courtyard during recess.  
  
Cordelia raised an eyebrow and took in his obviously embarrassed demeanor, deciding she should tease him a little bit and test the theory that vampires can't blush.  
  
It was no major secret anymore how Angel felt towards her. Hell the whole gang knew with the exception of Cordelia. She knew somewhere deep inside her that Angel loved her, but she never stopped long enough to realize just that the kind of love he'd only just realized for her went far beyond friendship or family. She had it ingrained in her mind since the good `ol Sunnydale days that he would forever be in love with Buffy, so when she started "feeling different" towards him she promised herself she would *never* let him know. Completely tried to block it from her conscious mind. Angel knowing she wanted him back in Sunnydale was enough. When she met Angel, before she knew he was a vampire, Cordelia couldn't wait to get her hands on him. She was always overcome with the urge to just rip his clothes off his unquestionably sexy body and damn the consequences and the Slayer. But once reunited in Los Angeles, the more time she spent with him, the more those hormone-driven  
feelings started to fade away and new ones seemed to take their place. Feelings that she had never really known before, let alone reciprocated, like trust and respect.  
  
At first it had scared her to let someone in like she let Angel, and when he abandoned her she thought she'd never feel that way again. But when Angel finally seemed to see the metaphorical light after his "Beige Period", she found that even after what he did, she still wanted him back. That revelation alone scared her, because she never let anyone back in once they betrayed her. But what scared her even more was how badly Angel seemed to be needed back in. She felt like if she didn't, he would never be the same and she couldn't forgive herself if she let him slip away. He did everything and said everything humanly--and non-humanly--possible to make up for what he'd done not only to her, but to Wes and Gunn as well. At the time she couldn't even begin to think about what they were going through, not because she didn't care, but just the opposite. She cared too much and it hurt her even more to think about what he put those two through. At times she thought it was more than  
she could handle, but she had a job to do, so she put on her rain slicker and rode out the storm.  
  
She didn't know exactly when she let her guard fully down after that, because it was something that gradually just faded away into the past, and somehow their relationship came out stronger than it ever was before. But it seemed that along with the hurt and the pain, those shallow Sunnydale feelings finally went with it, and *that* was when she found a new kind of love for her vampire warrior. The feelings of trust and respect she'd known for him since coming to LA finally molded into the new shape of love. The first real love she'd known and she had to ignore it, and it hurt her more every day.  
  
Every once in a while Cordelia found her self brooding--yes brooding!--over Angel. Over why he couldn't just fall madly in love with her like he did with the half-wit Slayer. Not that she didn't like Buffy, which she sort of didn't, but half of her was jealous as hell and the other half she more or less just wanted to kick "Little Miss Likes To Slay" in the head for not fighting harder to keep Angel in her life. If Angel wouldn't love *her*, she at least wanted him to be with someone *he* loved. It's at about this point where Cordelia wondered when she became Mother Theresa... and when she started feeling sorry for the Slayer because Angel left her.  
  
Since when did the world stop revolving around her? Did she miss the intra-office memo?...  
  
But even after all her long, lonely brooding sessions, she just had to admit it to herself. She grew up. Became an actual human. Found out the world actually didn't revolve around her and her Donna Karan collection. Now she was a woman. And half demon. And the world needed her and their warrior. Somehow that came first in her life, and her lovelife became a distant third. Second being a bubble bath, a loofah, and one incredible Phantom Dennis. She knew the world needed Angel more than she did, and for once in her life she felt good about herself. Cordelia sacrificed so much on a daily basis, but she always left knowing it was for the greater good.  
  
And now Cordelia is completely convinced she has been inhabited by the spirit of Mother Theresa.  
  
Her life had somehow become so incredibly complicated since seeing Angel in LA... Before it was very non-complicated--get facial, do nails, flirt with guys, be beautiful. Now it was don't get killed, make sure Angel doesn't get a happy, take care of Connor, have visions of people in trouble. Which comes with the complimentary feeling of being the watermelon in Gallagher's stand-up routine... Well, that last part was sorta taken care of, but she had to deal with that for over two years. And she actually loved her new life. She had a purpose and a family to take care of. Sure they weren't the Cleaver family but who was nowadays?  
  
Angel waved his hand in front of Cordelia's face, a confused expression blanketing his own. "Hello? Where'd you go?"  
  
Cordelia shook her head, and smiled. "Oh, sorry... I guess I was just--"  
  
"Brooding?" Angel finished her sentence for her, the confused expression vanished, and was replaced with a smug smile.  
  
"I need to stop hanging out with you... You're rubbing off on me. So, movie... is that a date?" Now Cordelia turned the tables back on him and half smirked with one eyebrow raised, waiting for his always entertaining nervous stumbling to begin.  
  
"Date? No... just... You know... Casual movie, maybe dinner after... You know, between colleagues... Warrior-Seer time? But not high-pressure date--" Cordelia got a kick out of watching Angel stumble over his own words, trying unsuccessfully to come off Joe Smooth. So she decided to save him at least *some* face before he *really* turned into a blubbering idiot like Wesley.  
  
"I'd love to. One night of Warrior-Seer bonding coming right up!" Cordelia jumped up off the bed, enthused. "I just have to go get unsweaty and we'll go."  
  
"Okay. Um..." Angel stood and shoved his hands in the pockets of his black--always with the black, never any other color on the spectrum--slacks.  
  
"Now is where you leave. Unless you wanna watch?" Cordelia glanced back over her shoulder before disappearing through her bathroom doorway.  
  
"Uh..." Angel swallowed the lump in his throat and swore that if his heart actually beat, it'd be doing gymnastics in his chest right about then. He couldn't help but visualize Cordelia in the shower at that moment. He couldn't help but visualize Cordelia with *him* in the shower all lathery and touchy-feely at that moment. He was overcome with the urge to just play out his growing erotic fantasy with her--until reality hit the brakes and he flew through the windshield and was forced to remember his "no bone" clause. He tried to stay away from any and all bad thoughts of his Seer, but more and more he couldn't help himself. His mind just seemed to drift when he was with her, and he would ramble--a lot-- in his head. She didn't help either, with her constant teasing and laughing and smiling and her body...wow, her body... and just her plain luscious Cordelia-ness. He couldn't decide if she felt the same and was waiting for him to just throw her on the floor and ravage her for  
hours on end with passion or-- "I'll be... In my room."  
  
With that, Angel practically ran out of her room and slammed the door behind him as Cordelia stuck her head out of the bathroom with a triumphant smile on her face wide enough to challenge the Cheshire Cat.  
  
"One point for Cordelia in the embarrassment column. He's such a sucker for my charms..."  
  
=============  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
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Yet again with the thanks for the reviews. But I need for you guys to give me some ideas on where to take the W/F/G thang. I want to continue it, but I'm having a major brain-fart and I can't think of anything good for them. But I want something believable, not cheesy. If you have any ideas, e-mail me don't post them. `cause if I use an idea that's posted it kinda ruins the whole story. And of course you'll get full credit for your idea =) much appreciated. 


	6. Zodiacal Light

A/N: Ok, I know you don't understand why I put that last chapter where I did... Firstly, it was because I didn't know where I was going to take the story yet, so I guess it was sort of a filler chapter. Secondly, because I can-- I'm the writer dammit and I don't have to make sense if I don't want to! And Thirdly, because I needed some backstory for Cordy's feelings without trying to explain it all in this chapter, since the wonderful `Angel' writers aren't very forthcoming with her feelings for the quirky yet undoubtedly sexy man...pire. And partly because a lot of you wanted fluffiness and since my story's theme doesn't initially scream fluff, I decided that would be a good way to lighten it up without actually lightening it up.  
  
Last but not least, thank you for the feedback. It definitely helps calm the angry puppy. =)  
  
-KAT ^o^  
  
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Chapter Six  
  
Zodiacal Light  
  
"...Angel...?"  
  
Cordelia didn't even know how she managed to whisper that two-syllable word. Her throat was so tight, she couldn't even breathe let alone speak. Well, she didn't speak per se, more like barely made an audible noise. But even still, she knew instantly that he heard her. He looked so sad standing in the doorway, and when his eyes finally connected with hers, she could see the tear slide down his cheek. That was how she knew he heard her. So much emotion was conveyed through that simple whisper, and his tear said the rest.  
  
The thoughts and feelings that were swirling all around in her tired and dizzy brain finally came to a grinding halt.  
  
She was left with one simple word.  
  
One simple emotion to top all emotions.  
  
One simple, yet so painfully complicated emotion.  
  
Love.  
  
She felt it.  
  
All around her.  
  
Inside of her.  
  
In her heart, that was steadily gaining speed and strength inside her oxygen-constricted chest.  
  
And finally, she saw it in his eyes.  
  
Cordelia never thought it would be possible to read someone so plainly. She felt like it had been there all along but she was too stupid to notice it.  
  
She was stupid.  
  
She hadn't noticed it.  
  
All those thoughts that plagued her with the tinglies today, and the dreams... and she didn't even notice.  
  
He was right in front of her last night, trying to tell her. She remembered being mortified when he'd said he wanted to wipe it from his memory, but the rest wasn't even words to her. It was like watching Charlie Brown talking to his parents. She managed to squeeze out a witty comeback to something he said, but she was too busy trying not to cry, she didn't even hear him. She had jumped to the conclusion that this was going to be his "just friends" speech with the extra pain of hearing him say, "I don't feel that way about you".  
  
Then she caught sight of Groo.  
  
He had been that miracle she was waiting for.  
  
The famous one that everyone swears to and actually never adheres to because 99% of the time it doesn't come true anyway. The "God, I promise if you get me out of this I swear I'll never ask for anything again in my life!" miracle. And there he appeared on the landing, in all his miracle-y glory.  
  
In an inane attempt to cover her quickly faltering facade, she swept right past Angel and fell right into Groo's arms.  
  
But, he was no Angel.  
  
Actually, he was *an* angel, but not *the* Angel. Not the one she wanted anyway.  
  
Well, he *was* her `miracle angel' until now, when all the little trivial pieces fell into place. Then came the click. The one Fred always used to talk about. When everything starts to make sense and the picture takes shape, and then you realize how stupid you are because it was right in front of your face and you couldn't see it until now.  
  
The locket in the garbage.  
  
Angel avoiding her all day.  
  
The way Angel had acted all night last night.  
  
Hell, the way he'd acted around her for months now.  
  
And who could forget the general depressed air that now filled the hotel to capacity.  
  
Cordelia visibly shuddered at the thought. What could he be possibly feeling right now? Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Or all of the above... Cordelia felt a new wave of guilt wash over her, making the room topple over and spin. Then she realized she was holding her breath. She quickly let go of the air she unconsciously held in her lungs, and the room slowly stopped spinning. She found Angel again, still in the doorway. He was like a statue, unmoving. Cordelia didn't know how long they had been there like that, just staring at each other... but it must've only been a few seconds, because Angel responds to her.  
  
"Cordy." The word was dripping with emotion even to her normal human ears. She heard it, and she felt it. Pain. The word resonated in her head. It sent shivers violently through her body and she wanted to start crying all over again. She had been the cause of the pain that was so evident in just that one little word.  
  
She didn't know what to say or do. Where do you even begin to try to explain? She had hurt him. How do you make up for that? Finally, Angel took the initiative and moved for the first time in what felt like an eternity to both of them.  
  
He started to step forward, but his foot hesitated mid-step. Angel recoiled his leg and took a step back into the hallway instead. Then he turned and practically flew down the corridor to destinations unknown, leaving Cordelia still on his bed.  
  
She knew then that she was wrong.  
  
The click in her brain had been wrong.  
  
He didn't love her.  
  
She had been foolish to think he loved her.  
  
He was probably so mortified that she could think he loved her that he panicked and fled.  
  
Her own panic swept her away, quickly forgetting the tear he had shed, and the palpable feeling of love and pain that had hung on his simple word.  
  
New tears flooded out of her already burning and red eyes, and she didn't even bother to control the sob that leapt out of her aching throat. Cordelia doubled over in agony, clutching the locket so tight it punctured her skin. She didn't feel the pain in her hand, only the one in her now broken heart. She gripped the locket tighter, holding it to her chest. She slowly starting rocking herself back and forth, shaking uncontrollably, letting her burning tears go unchecked and her heartbreaking sobs and gasps for air fill the now empty room. The room that just moments before was filled with so much emotion, was now barren of all life.  
  
Because at that moment, Cordelia's heart ceased to beat.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
She didn't see the figure standing in the doorway.  
  
She didn't hear the soft footfalls that cautiously moved forward towards the bed.  
  
She didn't feel the mattress dip, as a large weight settled next to her.  
  
She didn't notice anything until she felt the hands on her shoulders, applying firm yet soothing pressure to her shuddering form.  
  
Still wracked with sobs, eyes burning and red from her tears, Cordelia looked up and into the eyes of Wesley. He had unshed tears in his own eyes from just looking at her. She just held his gaze, and slowly her chest starting heaving, struggling for more oxygen. She felt like she was drowning, couldn't get enough air in her burning lungs, and she let out a soft whimper before throwing herself into his chest.  
  
Wesley silently gathered her in his arms, holding onto her for dear life, trying to soothe her with soft `hushes' and fatherly kisses applied to the top of her head. He let her cry, soaking his shirt through and through and he didn't care. There was so much emotion in her he'd never seen in all his years of knowing her, and all he could do was hold tight.  
  
Her frantic sobs and gasps for air finally calmed into the occasional muffled whimper or hiccup of breath before she pulled away from him to wipe at her eyes. He noticed then the blood that had dried on her enclosed palm. He took her hand in his and opened her tiny white fist, revealing a gold locket.  
  
"It was in the garbage." Cordelia dropped her head, chin resting on her chest in defeat. "I thought it was supposed to be for me, to show me he loved me... but he doesn't... now..."  
  
She started to sob again, but quickly clenched her teeth together willing herself to stop. She had to get it out before she lost her courage. She inhaled quickly before continuing in a barely audible whisper, "now... I lost him... I never had him to begin with, but now it's too late."  
  
Wesley, who had remained silent throughout their exchange, finally reacted to her words. "What?"  
  
She continued, ignoring or not hearing his question. Not seeing the surprised expression on his face. "I don't know what happened. How did it get so wrong?" Cordelia pleaded her question to him, finally raising her head to meet Wesley square in the eyes. Her own teary orbs silently pleading with him to have an answer. An answer of hope, or just something she could believe in.  
  
"Honestly, I don't know." Wesley's answer not only rang true for her situation but his as well. He had to ask himself the same thing about Fred. `How did it get so wrong?' He saw the crushed look in her eyes before amending his statement, taking her empty hand in his and holding tight. "But you need to talk to him. I don't believe it's as hopeless as you think. But you'll never answer any of your questions if you don't talk to him."  
  
"I can't. There's just so much I don't know. I've made such an ass of myself already. I don't know how he feels about me, or if he's angry or hurt, or if he doesn't even care." She knew that last part didn't have a shred of honesty in it, but she just didn't know. She felt like she didn't know anything anymore. How could she talk to him if she didn't even know how he felt about her?  
  
"You know that's not true. You know it. Don't do that Cordelia. Don't belittle yourself. You know what you mean to him." Wesley's voice took on a hardened edge beneath the soft surface. Scolding her for even thinking Angel didn't care. "Go talk to him."  
  
"I don't know where he is, and I can't leave Connor." She spared a glance behind her toward the still silent baby on the bed, and she felt another wave of tears trying to break free.  
  
"It's daylight and being as he won't stray too far from the little chap, I'm fairly sure he's still here. I'm also fairly certain you know where he'll be."  
  
Cordelia nodded in acknowledgement. She did know exactly where he was, and exactly what he'd be doing.  
  
"Go to him. I'll watch Connor."  
  
A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips before vanishing, to be replaced once again by her solemn frown. Wesley gently cupped her cheeks in his hands, looking into her eyes with understanding and love, and then kissed her forehead.  
  
"When did you get so smart?" Cordelia whispered at him when he pulled back, and he smiled.  
  
"Beginning to wonder that myself."  
  
Without another word, she silently removed herself from the bed, quickly making her way to the doorway, where she paused to look back at him.  
  
He gave her a reassuring nod before she half-smiled back at him, and then turned to leave.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
To Be Continued  
  
If anyone is wondering about the title of the chapter, I just happened to be going through my Webster's (I seem to be doing that a lot lately....*shrug*) and I found it. The definition is really interesting, basically it's the glow on the horizon before sunrise or after sunset. I know I'm melodramatic, but it seemed to make sense in a metaphorical way. Or whatever. Hope you enjoyed... next part coming soon, promise.  
  
-KAT ^o^ 


	7. Pyramus and Thisbe We Are Not

My one and only note: THANK YOU to everyone who's reviewed! I love you all dearly =)  
  
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Chapter 7  
  
Pyramus and Thisbe We Are Not  
  
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Cordelia tore through the hallway, bound down the hotel stairs taking them two and sometimes three at a time.  
  
Something inside of her screamed in pain from being away from him like this. Her whole body shook in anticipation and fear at what he would say to her, and now that she thought about it... what would she say to him? She didn't care now. She just needed to be near him, needed to kiss him, hold him. Every part of her yearned for him, as it always had. Something about Wes's sincerity and certainty struck her, gave her the strength she needed to tell Angel how she felt.  
  
She leapt off the bottom step, not missing her stride, and flew right passed Groo in the lobby, but halted as soon as she saw the door to the basement. Then her knees went weak and all of the courage she borrowed from Wesley drained from her body.  
  
She was scared again.  
  
Scared he wouldn't love her.  
  
Scared he was mad at her.  
  
Scared that he might actually feel the same.  
  
What would they do then?  
  
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"Stupid!"  
  
Angels' right leg flew into the hanging punching bag, absorbing not only his physical blows but his emotions as well.  
  
"How..." a right hook lands hard on the bag.  
  
"Could..." then his left.  
  
"I..." he spun around and backhanded it with his left arm again.  
  
"Be..." followed by a highkick.  
  
"So..." once again his right arm sailed into the heavy bag.  
  
"STUPID!" Angel roared, letting out all his pain as he landed a roundhouse to the bag so hard it was ripped from the ceiling and tumbled to the floor almost fifteen feet away from him.  
  
Plaster from the ceiling rained down on him, but he ignored it. He was so mad he found himself panting... he would've been out of breath if he actually needed it.  
  
He looked at the fallen bag, and he stumbled back against the wall needing support. Beating the shit out of the defenseless bag did nothing to ease him. He closed his eyes, and leaned his head back against the cool cement of the wall trying to calm himself.  
  
But her eyes haunted him... He closed his eyes and he could see her, he opened his eyes and she was still there. He couldn't escape the look on her face after finding the locket in the garbage. It wasn't supposed to be like this now. He was supposed to let her go, but she was still with him. She was never supposed to know how he felt, because now she was supposed to be with Groo.  
  
He couldn't be selfish.  
  
He *was* being selfish.  
  
Because he still wanted to run to her, be with her. He had to let her go, but he... couldn't.  
  
His heart wouldn't let him, because his heart saw inside her eyes, to her soul. His heart saw her love for the first time, and it refused to let go.  
  
Angel looked down at his hands, bruised and bleeding from the severe beating he'd given the punching bag, but he couldn't feel a thing. He slowly sank onto the floor before dropping his head into his waiting hands.  
  
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Cordelia had finally found the strength to open the door, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She whirled around to face whoever it was, ready to dole out a severe ass kicking for stopping her in the one moment she had the guts to face Angel.  
  
"Princess?" Groo's face fell as she spun around to look at him, anger emerged as he saw her red eyes and tear stained face and he demanded, "What happened. Who did this to you. Who hurt you."  
  
"No one Groo. I just... I can't talk now." Her voice barely squeaked out of her throat. She felt so bad, because of the look on his face. But she couldn't think about him now. She knew she didn't love him the way she loved Angel, and each second that she was away from him now, her heart hurt just that much more. "I... I'll talk to you later. I'm sorry..."  
  
He removed his hand from her shoulder, obeying her wishes, and walked away.  
  
Cordelia watched him walk away from her for a few seconds, before turning back to the basement. She took in a deep breath for strength and opened the door. When she did, she could hear the muffled sound of the punching bag being hit forcefully. He was down there just like she thought. She took a few tentative steps down the wooden stairs before closing the door silently behind her. She took a few more silent steps, before stopping again. She could see him now, see his face as he assaulted the bag. His face was contorted in pain and anger as he yelled out his frustration.  
  
"STUPID!"  
  
She jumped a little as his leg connected with the bag, sending it flying and landing somewhere in the basement out of her view.  
  
He stared at the bag for a few seconds, before stumbling back against the wall. Her hand went up to cover her mouth as tears started to well again. His body went slack, and he lowered himself to the ground and dropped his head into his hands. She could see the blood on his knuckles, but he didn't seem to care.  
  
She wanted to move, go to him, do something except just stand there, but she couldn't get her feet to respond. He sensed her now, she knew, because his whole body tensed up and he looked up to the staircase.  
  
Finally the spell was broken, and Cordelia found the strength to descend the remaining steps into the basement. She stopped, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, just staring at him. He stared back in shock.  
  
"I..." Angel started to say something, but she quieted him with a wave of her hand.  
  
"Please let me. I have to just say this." She took another deep breath to calm her shaky voice. When she opened her mouth again, her voice came out strong, and she was proud of herself. She might actually make it through this. "I don't know where to begin, but I... I guess the beginning would be good. I never used to feel this way. I don't know what happened, I don't know what you did to me. But something changed, and now..." Why couldn't she just say it? She's wanted to say it for so long now, and now that she had the chance, she couldn't.  
  
"I know."  
  
"You know? You know what?"  
  
"That you want to be with him."  
  
"What?"  
  
"And I'm happy for you, really I am."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I just hope he's good to you."  
  
"Ok, back up a sec. What are you talking about?" Cordelia stepped forward, dropping down on her knees in front of Angel.  
  
"Groo." She almost winced at the pain evident in his voice from saying that name.  
  
"No. Angel..." She closed her eyes. "I love *you*."  
  
A long silence enveloped them, and Cordelia almost forgot to breathe. Did she really just say that out loud? It wasn't as hard as she thought it was. It felt good. It felt *really* good to say it-- finally.  
  
She opened her eyes again to look at him. "That's what changed. I *love* you." She just had to say it again, this time she drew it out, tenderly. "I...love... you."  
  
Angel was in shock. It wasn't what his mind expected. His heart expected it, and it almost began to beat when the words tumbled out of her mouth.  
  
"Say something." She pleaded with him, not being able to stand the silence anymore, not being able to stand his unreadable expression. Doubts began to plague her mind, maybe she made the wrong decision. She shouldn't have told him, he probably didn't love her anymore, if he ever did at all, especially after what she did to him with Groo.  
  
"No." His voice was hard and cold, it made her blood run like ice and her heart felt like it literally stopped beating. Her mind had anticipated that, but her heart wasn't ready.  
  
Tears made her vision blurry as his monosyllabic reaction sank in. "What?"  
  
"I can't. I can't be selfish. You can't love me."  
  
"Now it's my turn to say no. I can and do love you. Do you love me?" She reached her hands out to his but he pulled back, if it was possible, further into the wall.  
  
"It doesn't matter. I'm telling you, you can't love me."  
  
"I just need you... to answer my question... Please. That's all I want. I need to know."  
  
Angel sighed and lowered his head. His voice barely made it above a whisper. "Yes. More than you could ever know. But I'm no good for you."  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"I'm not a man. I couldn't even... be *with* you, and I want you so bad."  
  
"I don't care about that, I care about you. You do remember what happened last time I had sex right?" She smiled through her tears. She would make this right. She wouldn't give up now that she knew the truth. Now that she *knew* he loved her, they would be together. Cordelia Chase would *never* give up.  
  
He almost smiled at that, remembering her rapid pregnancy. He raised his head, meeting her eyes, with the intention of telling her that they couldn't be together, that he'd never drag her into his darkness, but he got lost in her eyes instead. Her beautiful hazel eyes swallowed him whole, and he couldn't tear himself away.  
  
They stared at each other, unblinking, before Cordelia moved forward with inhuman speed. She took him off guard as she fell into him, crushing her lips to his. A jolt of electricity sped through his entire body with the feel of her against him, and he finally succumbed to his heart, ignoring his brain, as he wrapped his arms around her. He drew her closer into him, basking in the warmth of her skin against his cool body. Their kiss deepened, grew so passionate Angel forgot everything around him. The room dissolved and all that was left was her, his beautiful Seer. And finally she *was* his.  
  
Cordelia pulled away from Angels' lips to breathe, but even the few inches between their mouths was too much for her so she drew in a quick breath before plunging back to him. She could feel the goosebumps rise on her skin where he touched her, making her body tingle.  
  
Finally, Angel broke away from their deep, longing kiss.  
  
He looked into her eyes, full of love.  
  
Nothing but love.  
  
He ran his hands up her arms to her face and ran his hands tenderly through her hair. Angel drew his forehead to hers, knowing now that he would tell her. He couldn't imagine anywhere else he'd want to be at this moment, or imagine anyone else he loved more than the woman in front of him. He surrendered to his heart, and there was no hesitation or fear when he finally spoke the words he'd wanted to for so long.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
She let out a delighted giggle, and smiled so wide and bright he thought he'd burst into flames just from the sunshine in her face. She ran her tiny hands down the side of his face before landing tiny kisses all over it.  
  
"We'll make it work." She reassured him as she put her arms around his neck, hugging him close to her, never wanting to let go. "I promise you. No Romeo and Juliet here. We can be happy."  
  
Angel just smiled into her hair, breathing her in deep as if for the first time. They'd make it work just like she said. Because she was Cordelia Chase... and what she says goes.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Hello all. I've finally gotten to the part you've all been bugging me about, so I hope I did you right. I know I haven't focused on W/G/F, so if you'd like me to continue with them, just let me know. Feedback is always a plus, so take a few seconds and tell me what you think =)  
  
BTW: I just finished watching `Couplet' and I am officially going to assassinate all `Angel' writers. They suck. Now I know why they said Groo would only be in this episode, because he's taking her *away* from Angel! =( Grrr. Argg. Sorry for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but honestly the only redeeming quality of that ep. was Angel. He was so noble and it made him sooo much sexier than he already is... Anyways mayonnaise, hope you liked my fic, and happy Groo-hunting. I'm offering a reward if anyone wants to just kill him for me ;) 


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